We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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