perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
