I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
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