i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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