Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
