this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
