The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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