just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
