I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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