even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
