I just gift wrapped bread.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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