Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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