Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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