my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
