maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
