What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Congratulations! We have a period
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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