I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
