I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
