Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
