i already hear my dad disowning me
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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