in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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