is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
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