I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
