the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
