Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
