just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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