I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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