plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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