she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
