I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize