Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize