Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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