Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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