im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
