today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
