You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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