AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
