no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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