Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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