It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
