I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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