Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
