I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
