loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
