I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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