Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
