so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
