Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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