theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think your dad took our porno
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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