Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i love accidental penises.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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