she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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