You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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