he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
