How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
