You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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