How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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