There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
