I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
