Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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