Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize