i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I accidentally burped into my bong.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
