nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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