I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
