dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
